Prisoner

I stand to look out the window on a cold, damp and grey day. With all the commotion behind me, the rainfall seems peaceful compared to this side of the glass. His snorting and breathing are loud, so loud- gasping for life.

I hear the soft footsteps of a nurse rushing in behind me, closely followed by another. I stare harder out the window pane- there is a couple walking down below, it looks like they are carrying their new child home for the first time, tightly holding it to stop it from breaking. 

Nurses rush in and leave just as quickly. Another nurse enters now, this time wheeling an oxygen bottle. It is soon rejected as she is sent off for one with an oxygen mask. The nurses who remain call his name, looking for some response. He snorts again and groans but little else. I just stare harder and concentrate on my voice in my head. There seems to be nowhere to go, nowhere I can hide from it all.

A squirrel descends the tree across the road. He is free- this is freedom. He is outside from all of this, blissfully unaware. I squeeze my hands tighter, the bones of my knuckles causing the skin to stretch tight white. I feel the bile in my stomach move and I want to expel it but refuse to; I must be stronger. 

In the reflections on the inside of the glass, I see the nurse return with another bottle of oxygen. His snorting is made quieter by the introduction of the mask, but this is soon overcome and it returns in a more echoing format. They speak his name again- louder and more forcefully- but I do not sense any response. Beeps echo and repeat. ‘Focus on my voice’ I tell myself. ‘Focus’.

I imagine that this is it for him- if this is his time. I could have been the last one he talked to, the last person he knowingly touched. This is a responsibility I do not want and causes the bile to rise again, locking my inners in concrete. I breath deeper and remind myself - again- that this is not about me.

I can not hide, so I turn, my red cheeks and diluted eyes are an obvious give away to the nurse. She thanks me and tells me they will be in contact. I ask them to look after him and walk out. 

Outside, I stop. The squirrel has gone, as have the couple with their child. All that remains is me, and I finally release the contents of my insides. They have the choice to come out- he does not.